trying to get back

Belonging

I don't join well;
don't walk into the midst
with confidence. Once
I thought I'd make a habit
of prayer, but even God
seemed difficult to be with. Maybe
I'd be asked for what I didn't have.

When I do decide I'm in
I've usually missed the fine print,
been subject to the only caveat
about membership; tried
too hard; believed my own fear. Maybe
I belong somewhere else

and that's why my heart
is so easily strained.
It has no group memory;
no impulse to open or offer access. Maybe
that's why I end up staring
confusedly around the crowded room.